Home sweet Home

I am now back in the homeland for the next six weeks after a painful 22.5 hour flight which saw me sit next to a fifty year old german man discussing his relationship issues (he was single and had never been married) with me for the first 14 hours, followed by a rather nice couple from the Netherlands on the second flight who were forced to get up at 45 minute intervals so I could pee.

I don't know what it is about flying exactly, but it just makes me angry. Certainly the idiots I am always forced to sit next to don't help. I mean seriously, I don't know at what point Mr. Germ thought I was interested in discussing his lack of a love life but the whole thing was like one really long and uninteresting episode of 'How I didn't meet your mother and turned to prostitutes instead' without the lovable Barney Stinson to make it funny. To add to that I felt exhausted the whole second flight but couldn't sleep. I'n not quite sure what it is about sitting in the window seat with two people sleeping peacefully next to me, but the whole thing just makes my bladder fill, which of course means that they have to get up every time I need to go...which was a lot...for no real reason. Maybe it was just subconscious revenge for the first 14 hours? Or maybe I was trying to find myself a man so I don't assault people with tears and cats at the age of 50. None the less they suggested that we switch seats - I refused....

And then comes the Jetlag. I slept all day Thursday and none of Friday. It is now Saturday and I'm debating playing dead fish till 7pm when I have a party to go to...I know. I am the party person. Can you sense just how much fun Imma be?

My bed is calling and telling me it's nap time now. I know - this post was mindblowingly riveting but I hope your day is somewhat more eventful than mine will be.

and as per usual -

Hope all is well.

Long time coming.

Ok I've been bad. There's been a shamefully large gap between posts but I've been travelling and got addicted to Game of Thrones...it's not my fault!

So during this rather large break I have:

Got a lot of my hair cut off (see picture). Worked out nicely really because they will now use the 38cm of hair I cut off to make a wig for a child with cancer. So I not only gave to charity, but I created a new Ginger without getting knocked up, I'm like a modern Virgin Mary

Got arrested. Well that was more of a misunderstanding really. Unlike in Australia, Germans take even the smallest law far too seriously. Cross a road whilst it's still red and they look like they're gonna die of shock and don't even THINK of eating a grape in a supermarket to check if they're any good (admittedly I don't do that...people touch that fruit and they are dirty), anyways so I was with my Russian couch surfer and we wanted to go one stop forward (he wasn't much of a walker...) so instead of paying the 1.10 euro for one stop, we just hopped on and got caught with no ticket. I cried, pretended I didn't speak any German and told them I was a tourist and yet those heartless controllers not only fined me 40 euro, but called the cops coz I didn't have my passport on me and apparently every other card (including my LICENSE) with my name and photo on it wasn't proof enough that I am in fact - me. For what it was worth though, the Police were so awesomely hot I felt that my being arrested at 11pm and having to call my mother was totally worth it...

I also went and saw one of my favourite bands (Rise Against) perform and watched the shameful efforts of the German Mosh Pit, I mean really people, is fist pumping all you can really manage? I want to see stretchers by the dozen taking people out of the crowd with broken ribs, black eyes and clumps of hair missing...that's moshing as it should be. That being said I never get in the mosh pit. A) because I don't want to die, B) because I'm too short to actually see the stage and C) because I don't want to die, so maybe I'm not exactly an expert here...

I also went to Paris with a large number of stereotypes in hand and not enough money for any normal person to get by on. I did Paris in five days on 180 euro (including transport), luckily if you're a citizen of the EU or live here and are under 26 then everything is free - Bazinga (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfL4-C8OCys&feature=related) For what it is worth though I came back with 10 euro in hand and got a new perspective on stereotypes. I mean if one more person tells me that the French are rude, girly or that their capital city is filled with dog poo imma have to tell them that - well ok that's kinda right in some cases- but for the most part I found Paris to be quite clean and as long as they didn't think I was a gypsy asking for money they were up for giving me directions - shame they were nearly always in French...

Although I did almost have to become a Gypsy at one point when I missed my train back home to Stuttgart and was told I'd have to buy another ticket. Now if you book three days ahead it will cost around 50 euro, two hours before and it'll be around 200 euro. Given that I had exactly 10.40 euro to my name and that my phone was dead I knew I wasn't going anywhere and after a week of travel and...lots of wine tastings with my awesome hosts....I had no voice and a nasty cough. So I did what I always do when I want officials to feel sorry for me - I cried - and you know what? Not only did I get on the next express train to Stuttgart for free, but I was in the First Class cabin and got a free lunch to go along with it. I am the Ginger God.

That's it for now, need to go pack - My plane for Australia leaves in 9 hours! So excited!

Hope all is well.

I have a lovely bunch of coconuts.

You know when you just have a really annoying and somewhat unnecessary song stuck in your head? Germans actually have a word for that - Ohrwurm - Literally 'ear worm.' I think it's kinda cute but it started me thinking on what my favourite words are in german.

Babysitten and Kidnappen - This is purely because the past tense of these words amuse me. I mean really Germs - Gebabysittet? Gekidnappt? If I don't get those words into at least every conversation then I have failed  myself.

Kunterbunt (Coonta-Boont) - It translates into english as multi-coloured or motley, which isn't so interesting if not for the fact that I had to write how to pronounce this wonderful little word. Given the chance, English speakers would take this opportunity to drop the C-Bomb and shock people with their colourful (note the pun) language.

Verderben (Fer-der-ben) - I just like saying it really. Sounds like a noise a frog makes... 

Brustwarze - Look I think the english word is amusing enough but the fact that nipple translates as breast-wart into german could keep me laughing for hours - sometimes I think it's good that the German language is so literal, other times...not so much.

Nichtsdestotrotz - notwithstanding, nonetheless. Ok let's break this baby up - nichts-desto-trotz. I have no idea how to use this word, nor have I ever heard anyone actually say it but I just like that they have shoved a whole bunch of prepositions together to make one word...you go Germs

Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz  (63 letters) "beef labeling regulation & delegation of supervision law" - Ok this isn't a favourite word (not reallly sure how it possibly could be), actually it's only here to demonstrate the way the german language works: If there isn't a word for something already, then just continue adding suffixes and compounding the letters together until you invent one that describes PRECISELY what you mean - no use being inexact when there's more letters to be added....

And lastly - Numbers. I hate german numbers. They hurt my head in the same way maths of any sort does. I mean - siebentausendzweihundertvierundfünfzig (7254) is a single word of 38 letters and larger numbers means even longer German words...it's frightening really.

Well now you know, the key to german is make it as logical (such as the word for gloves - Handschuhe - 'hand shoes') yet lengthy as possible, and if all else fails - just say an english word with a german accent...I love German

Hope all is well.

Delete.

So I'm on facebook a lot. This is partly due to the fact that I'm away from home and want to keep in contact with family and friends, but more so because I have no life when I'm not travelling and have nothing better to do with my time ...

Because of this though I have plenty of time to facebook stalk - don't lie we all do it - actually though, it's something I recommend doing, especially for people like me who will delete people on a whim - especially if they make any of these five fatal facebook friend errors (nice alliteration there...) -

1) Post music lyrics or 'like for a rate' statuses. This is because a) I don't want to know that you're going through your altruistic hippy stage and have a new found love of Enya and Bob Marley and b) If no one likes your statuses normally, it's because your posts about what you're eating for breakfast and just how tired you are after a day of school really aren't that entertaining... Not to mention the fact that these people always rate their 'likers' above an eight even if they're damn near deletion from their own list. I guess it's just in case you get charged with cyber-bullying or something, but I mean seriously - what's the point? I guess at least you're making everyone feel a little better about themselves - kudos to you - delete.

2) Couples. Ok I'll admit I do this even I love them both dearly. If I have both members of a couple on facebook then one of them has to go. I just can't take the "I love you Babyyyyyy XXXXXXXXX MUAH" and "Why aren't you answering my text? Are you out? I sent you two... get back to me ASAP - it's important!!! Love you 4evas XXXXXXX MUAH" wall posts all the time. Call me bitter if you will, but I don't want to share in your relationship baby, so I'll pick the one I like more and add the other back if 4evas turns out to be much shorter than expected....

3) People who post photos of what they're eating - Seriously? Do I even need to explain why this annoys me?

4) People who use Facebook to advertise their political/religious views....no one's going to be converted coz you invite them to protest rallies every three to four days or posted a picture of a cat quoting from the bible, just give it up.

5) People who post too often (what can I say? Hypocrisy becomes me....) or post depressing statuses - Now I'm sure your mum telling you to clean your room twice in an hour and that boy not buying you enough roses for Valentine's day makes life really hard honey, but a status saying anything alone the lines of "God my life is hard" or "Oh and now I know where I stand with my friends and family :(" etc. etc. will down you a friend and  publicly recognise you as a whiner - stop it.

That being said, I do keep certain friends because they get into facebook battles all the time and I like to sit there and giggle at them. Well, that or I just think they're hot...

Hope all is well.

Shopping Rampage.

Ok so despite being home and achieving nothing over the past few days I have failed to post - and for that I am truly sorry... Well, not really, I have a life you know - just  not a very interesting one at the moment imma have to admit

So the other night I met up with a guy I met in Australia. He's german of course, but he just happened to live around the corner from me in Australia and now lives like 10 minutes away from me in Germany - this little anecdote isn't actually going anywhere, just thought I'd mention it in case people asked what I've been up to in the past three days, because it sounds more interesting than what I've been doing since then...watching South park and The Slap and mixing it up a bit by trying to teach myself how to cook....and failing, but it's the effort that counts right?

It's been hard to cook today though because I ran out of a few ingredients and like a normal person walked to the shops...only to find them all closed. Honestly it's like Germany is stuck in some 1950's time warp some days. I love everything about living here except for a) Speaking german makes me come across as a little bit challenged sometimes when I fail to express myself correctly and then all I want to do is cry and tell them I'm actually educated - honestly! well that and then run away...mature I know

and b) German shopping times are different. Back home in Aus I could just chill at macca's till whatever hour of the morning I wanted (not that I ever would...) and if I realised I needed tampons (I'm sure I could have come up with a better example there...) at 3 in the morning, well that wasn't a problem coz some of our Coles' and Safeways are open 24/7...not so in Germany. Everything shuts at 8pm every night and  no one even considers opening on Sundays. Now I know it's the Lord's day and all but even he needs milk and toilet paper occasionally. I mean seriously, how am I supposed to think far enough ahead to do the grocery shopping on saturday when I'm not even capable of reading a recipe correctly? What's worse is that in Germany lunch is the biggest meal of the day, which clearly identifies me as a foreigner when I chill there with mah sammich at 12pm, but I could chill in a shop or something, if they didn't all insist on shutting for an hour or two over lunch time so they can go home and be with their families/cats.

End rant.

On another less offensive note - German's make lovely cars. That is all.

Hope all is well.

The Wild West.

So I'm finally back home in Stuttgart and have to discuss all my adventures of late...

Düsseldorf was the first place I went and after getting a lift with two weirdos there, I guess I should have known what to expect...but I didn't. It's actually a really beautiful city and one of the few places I can say seems to mix German history with modernity just enough that it's still pretty without looking like it's a popular Amish hang-out or giant slab of concrete. As soon as I got there though I felt kinda nervous, I had no idea where I was going and later found out that the seedy area every city has happens to be around the main train station in Düsseldorf and so it was there that I met Pervy. Pervy told me I had beautiful eyes as I walked past and in my natural defensive and people-hating way, I ignored him and walked on, only to have him mount his bike and follow me - for the next two hours. He talked about everything and anything and no matter how rude or hostile I was I just could not get rid of him! After his many failed attempts to get me to go home with him to 'make party' he should have gotten the point, and yet no. Luckily he didn't speak english so I called mum and told her that if I was murdered she could have Bubba - I never liked that cat anyway... In the end he went into a pawn shop to sell a necklace or something and asked me to wait for him...I ran for it. I flat out ran as fast as I possibly could and only stopped to run into a church and ask Jesus to protect me from the scary man...he did.

That being said though Düsseldorf offers an awesome Aquarium and quite possibly the worst museum ever - the Goethe Museum - I highly recommend it...

Bonn - I got there at 8am and wandered round to see the UN building the second I got the chance. I'm  fairly certain that I am the only person who would consider it a tourist attraction, but I'll admit that I did quiver with excitement until the security told me it was time to shuffle off. Bonn also has the best museum ever. It's called the Königsmuseum and it has thousands of stuffed animals and insects. Sounds gross I know but they're all posed in their natural habitats doing the natural kinda things they would do if it weren't for all the stuffing and embalming fluid...ok, still gross but I did get to see my first real moose! Kind of. I am still adamant that I will ride one one day, but I concede that they are rather a bit bigger than a cow. 

When I travel I eat on a budget of roughly 2 euro a day so I have more money to do things, Bonn was my third day travelling and I was beginning to feel the lack of nutrition and need to go postal - luckily I was couch surfing all week and stayed with awesome people who were willing to feed me, or I would have been seriously comatose by the end of the week. Naturally when you're hungry everything looks delicious and seeing a special on goddamn knödel I'll admit I considered it...lucky I came to my senses and realised the only reason it was on sale is coz no one likes it. Knödel = death. Best german travel advice you'll ever get...

Köln - My favourite place of the week. I just loved it. I loved the chocolate factory, the random ancient buildings spread sporadically throughout the city and the millions of churches. The Dom put shame to the similarly named Church in Berlin and I went several times just to make sure my first few impressions weren't soiled by the truckloads of Japanese tourists giggling and using flash on their cameras despite the signs making it clear that photos weren't allowed... I went to the Prätorium too, which were old ruins from the Romans. I didn't even know the Romans had been chillin' in Germany but they had the creepy underground ruins to prove it. I have clearly been watching too many horror movies of late though coz I was the only one down there and I totally panicked. I think I stopped breathing at one point I was so certain someone was gonna come up behind me with fishing wire and strangle me to death before ripping out my kidney and eating it in front of me as I died....too much detail??? One needs to be prepared for these things...

Anyways that was my short version of events, but I have a week in Stuttgart upcoming so I'll have plenty more time to update you all on everything else.

Hope all is well.

Back in Black (or blue, or yellow)

Ok so sorry for my brief intermission between posts but I've been travelling, and when that happens I only have time for eating, museums and facebook - sorry.

So at the moment I am in Split, Croatia. It's unbelievably beautiful and despite the locals indifference I have to do a double take every morning when I check the weather out from our hotel balcony. Speaking of the hotel actually, we're staying at the Radisson Blu which means I have had to put my classy face on; making an effort not to look like a bridge troll in the morning by putting on makeup before someone has to see me and even bothering to wash my hair before the dreaded three-day unwashed matted look hits, where my hair gets so greasy it just sticks to me - sexy I know. However despite my efforts to be pretty for the camera apparently my outfits have not been so appreciated and I've been asked several times if I'm russian. Now, due to my lack of fur wearing and clear love of the english language I'm going to have to put those false assumptions to my wearing heels despite the snow and skirts that probably wouldn't cover much if I didn't have dwarf legs....

Speaking of short skirts though, today mum forced us to go bike riding around Split. With my having only packed dresses and skirts for the trip, bike riding probably wasn't the best idea, but with my having no understanding of what the locals were saying to me (probably something along the lines of 'your skirt is up around your shoulders right now...') we were off and riding. Now, I'm not ashamed to say that it took me till the age of seven to learn how to ride a bike, despite the normal age being 3-4...Whilst I may look elegant and graceful, appearances are deceiving and today I proved that by failing to ride a bike in spite of more than six years of dance lessons, horse riding and other balancing acts. Just because they say 'it's like riding a bicycle, you never forget' does not make the saying true and I managed not only to faceplant it into the snow, but to stack it several more times in order to leave my body thoroughly battered and bruised. In my defence though, whilst I learnt at 7, I probably only rode a bike three or four times between the years of 2002-4 before giving up completely, having finally realised that riding a bike is a clear sign that the rider has a death wish and wants their bits to be in physical pain all the time (I mean seriously, could those seats BE any more uncomfortable?!?!)

With every part of me crying out in pain I could have gone a massage, I had my first one ever yesterday and it made me deeply uncomfortable. Anyone who knows me will know two main things a) I hate nudity and b) I hate randoms (and even non-randoms sometimes) touching me - put these two things together and you have yourself a massage. Now I don't know if it was the Barry White playing softly in the background or the abrupt way the woman told me to get my gear off but I freaked. 'No you taking the skirt off now,' she ordered - I honestly thought she was just gonna rip my clothes off me in the end she was getting so frustrated by my prudishness, then came the touching....the fondling actually. The whole thing went for two hours, with me trying to make small talk and her telling me to 'just relax,' like some precursor to a horror movie, it's easy to say -  I was tense. Maybe watching final destination 5 before the massage wasn't such a good idea...

Well I think I've written enough for one day and it has been twenty minutes since I last ate....better get back to work.

Hope all is well.